Of "Voting Booth Moments" and Porn

Broadly speaking, we see two conversations about porn happening in the world today.  One of them - the one you most often read about in the news - is a large-scale conversation about how pornography production and consumption affect society writ large.  This is the controversial conversation.  The one that politicians and faith leaders get fired up about.  The one that provokes dueling accusations of cultural decline and “moral panic”.  The one that that can get a little exhausting.

Then there’s the second conversation.  You hear less about this one because for the most part it’s not happening in the open.  It’s a conversation individuals are having with themselves about whether and how their own porn use conforms with their self-perception and personal needs.  People having this conversation rarely speak it aloud, except perhaps in prayer, or to a therapist, or in a close, trusting relationship.  And yet, despite its relative obscurity, it's this second conversation that's becoming increasingly essential to our lives. 

We like to think of the distinction between these two conversations as akin to the difference between political campaign talk and personal voting choice.  Yes, one influences the other, but it’s only the latter that we treat as sacred and profound.  One is about how others think they know us, the other is about how we know ourselves.

Like voting choice, our own internal conversations about our personal porn use habits can involve varying considerations of personal economics, emotion, morality, ethics, and aspiration.  There isn’t likely to be a one-size-fits-all factor that decides how a person feels about their personal porn use any more than there’s a one-size-fits-all reason a person chooses one candidate over another.  Indeed, research suggests that porn use may affect people in varying ways.  

Some people, of course, experience an overwhelming compulsion to consume porn.  When these people continue using despite negative consequences and repeated, failed attempts to stop, their behavior is (or closely mimics) an addiction.  Depending on their degree of self awareness, these people tend to think on some level that using porn is either really good or really bad for them.  Either way, their internal conversation about their personal porn consumption often dominates their thoughts.  The key for them is to find help when they realize they need it, and that's why this web site exists.

But the others - the majority for whom porn use isn’t (at least, not yet) an all-consuming obsession - are different.  Porn doesn’t occupy their every thought.  And yet, porn can still shape their perceptions of personal sexuality, body image, spirituality, and gender roles, to name a few.  These people may not have an ever-present shouting match about porn use going on in their heads, but they may yet ask themselves questions that shape their personal porn use habits.  Questions like “Does porn affect expectations of what’s supposed to happen with my sexual partner?”, “Does porn influence how I perceive my own sexual attractiveness?”, “Am I ok with consuming porn if I don’t know or can't tell whether the performers have been exploited?”, and “Does my porn use reflect my values?”.   

The big, loud, public conversation about porn covers these topics and many more, and yet, like a large-scale political campaign, it often lacks the subtlety and nuance that drive personal views about porn consumption.  Yes, it may be true that “porn kills love” in some respects, but there are also couples who insist they have enhanced and strengthened their intimate, loving relationships by visiting PornTube together now and again.  Conversely, yes, it may possible to consume only porn that’s produced “ethically,” with well-treated, well-compensated professional performers and safe working conditions, but the overwhelming bulk of pornography is not produced to such ethically observant standards, and at its worst involves abhorrent degradation and exploitation of the most vulnerable among us.

Finding a way through these competing generalities to an informed, nuanced personal perspective about porn use requires some sustained, quiet reflection.  We view taking time for that reflection to be essential for every citizen of this digital world awash in porn.  It's a duty no less profound than the duty to make an informed choice  in a voting booth.  Porn has become far too pervasive, far too dug-in to our lives, to leave solely to the talking heads in the public conversation.  Each of us must develop an informed view of if, when, and how we consume porn, or risk leaving life-changing decisions about our and our intimate partners' sexual existence to the faceless online mob.

And so, we heartily encourage all of our readers - but particularly those for whom porn use is not presently an all-consuming obsession - to dedicate some time to their own internal conversations about personal porn use.  We also encourage you to dip a toe or two into the loud, public debates about porn to help inform yourself, but to do so with the critical eye of a voter during a campaign.  Check your sources.  Be aware of agendas.  Know yourself and what matters to you.  And then, take time to focus during a quiet moment - a voting booth moment, if you will - to pinpoint exactly what questions you ask yourself about porn, and how the answers affect if and how you consume it.  

Finally, if you want to break the prevailing silence on your own internal "voting booth conversation" about porn, we welcome you to share the questions you ask yourself, and the insights you gain from answering them,  in the comments below.   

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